double-sided - Anonymous - Sanders Sides (Web Series) [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

Patton had always had the feeling that something was wrong with him.

It didn’t always seem serious. A lot of the time he was honestly, truly happy! Like today - Roman has just finished a show, Virgil seems to be coming out of his shell, and Logan is…well, Logan is Logan. Amazing, perfect, maybe the only partner Patton has ever truly been in love with. The days are getting longer and the weather is getting warmer and Patton feels good, really good, until he doesn’t.

Logan didn’t text him this morning.

Patton tries not to let it get to him. He and Logan have been together for a year and Logan has been nothing but kind and understanding; surely one morning without talking isn’t some neon sign that their relationship is going downhill, but it sticks with him. He’s not sure why.

He puts on a happy face and goes to class, chats easily with professors and fellow students alike, and tries his best to pay attention, but he’s checking his phone every few minutes. He knows where Logan’s dorm is, but it’s one day. Less than a day, even. It would be a little over the top to track him down over something so small, but…his head’s a mess, and his heart is even worse, and dread sinks heavily into his stomach when he recognizes the feeling, the frustrated, angry, betrayed haze he’s in.

He likens it to a monster trapped in his ribcage, sometimes, though no one ever really asks. It sleeps for weeks or months, and those are the days that he’s happy. It preens under attention, especially from Logan, and he can’t figure out if that part is normal in a relationship or not. But when it wakes up, and when it’s angry, it’s terrifying. Patton’s scared of himself those days, and it’s shaping up to be one of those days. He doesn’t even notice it sometimes, but he’s learned how to catch it over the last couple of years, and when he can catch it, he can contain it. Not stop it; there’s nothing, really, that can stop it. But he can at least keep it from hurting anyone while it tries to claw its way out of his chest.

It’s like he’s watching himself from the outside as he walks back to his dorm that afternoon, sinking into that haze.

He hates me. He didn’t text me because he finally realized I’m horrible and he doesn’t have the heart to tell me, and god, that’s so f*cking cruel of him, can’t he just tell me the truth for once? What gives him the right to lie to me like this? He can never just face what he’s f*cking feeling, this is his fault, I hate him I hate him I hate him -

Patton takes a deep breath and walks into his room. Roman is sitting cross-legged on his bed with headphones on, but he pulls them out when Patton enters.

“How’s it going, Pop-star?” Roman asks.

Patton can’t bring himself to do much more than shrug as he sets his backpack down and flops back on his own bed. God, he always forgets how exhausting anger is, and the whole day has been a blur.

Roman frowns, tossing a crumpled piece of notebook paper at Patton’s leg. “Hey. I can tell something’s wrong.”

Patton groans, hiding his face in his hands. “It’s stupid. Just…don’t worry about it, kiddo.”

“Hmm,” Roman hums, still watching him carefully. “Maybe Logan can get you to talk?”

“Please don’t bring him into this right now.”

Roman raises an eyebrow. “Oh, so it’s about Logan.”

“No! It’s just - “ Patton sighs frustratedly, raking a hand through his hair. “I’m…I can’t talk to him right now, okay?”

“Okay,” Roman says placatingly, holding up his hands. “There’s no need to snap. I’m just trying to help.”

Logan already knows I’m a terrible person…now Roman’s got to know, too. f*ck.

“I-I’m sorry,” Patton mumbles. “I didn’t mean to - I swear I’m not - “

They know and if they know they’re going to leave me and if they leave me that means I’m worthless -

“Hey,” Roman cuts in, his voice gentle and soothing. “It’s all good. Do you want some alone time? I was thinking about annoying Virgil into running lines with me anyway.”

Patton hesitates, then nods. “Um, yeah. If you’re sure it’s okay.”

“Of course I’m sure, Padre. Text me if you need anything, and I mean anything. Got it?”

“Got it.”

Roman offers him a sympathetic smile as he leaves, and it honestly just makes Patton feel worse.

Logan finally texts him - an apology, an explanation, and a question about his day - but Patton is still trying not to be unreasonably upset with him, and he doesn’t want to lash out, so the doesn’t reply.

It’s a few hours later and it’s started getting dark outside when there’s a quiet knock on his door.

Patton sits up, reaching over to flick on the lamp on his desk. “Come in.”

Virgil opens the door, looking a little apprehensive. “Have you had time to chill out a little?”

“Roman told you I snapped at him?” Patton asks with a wince.

“He’s not really upset about it,” Virgil assures him, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Just worried. That’s really not like you.”

Patton sighs, laying back down, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “Yeah, I know.”

“So what’s wrong?” When Patton doesn’t reply, Virgil nudges him gently. “I’m never going to judge you, Pat. Whatever it is, I’m going to have your back.”

Tears spring unbidden to Patton’s eyes, and he rubs them furiously in an effort to keep them at bay. “It’s - it’s so stupid, though.”

“Not if it’s bothering you this much.”

“...Logan didn’t text me this morning.”

There’s a brief silence. Virgil nods slowly. “Okay.”

“And it’s just - “ Patton’s voice breaks. “I-I get so angry sometimes, and I don’t want to, but I start thinking, like - people are trying to hurt me, they’re doing it on purpose, they’re evil, I hate them…but I don’t! I don’t hate anyone, let alone my boyfriend, but the thoughts just don’t go away! I-I can’t trust myself or anyone else and I can’t trust my thoughts and I can’t stand it. I hate the way I think and I hate how much I’m feeling and I just wish it would stop but every time I start thinking things are looking up, it happens again.”

Virgil is quiet while Patton speaks, and then a moment more. “Okay,” he repeats. “So this has happened before.”

Patton nods, sniffling a little.

“And it was triggered by Logan not texting you like he usually would.”

“I told you it was stupid.”

Virgil shakes his head so emphatically that it takes Patton by surprise. “No. No, no, no. It’s not stupid at all. I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. What…what did you feel, exactly? When Logan didn’t text you?”

“Lonely, at first,” Patton replies hesitantly. “I guess it felt like…like he was leaving me. Pulling away. I know it’s probably not true, but I don’t know it, you know?”

A smile tugs at the corner of Virgil’s lips. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “Look, I’ve got a question, and I swear this stays between us, okay?”

“What is it?” Patton asks, a little suspicious.

“Have you ever…been suicidal? Or hurt yourself?”

Patton jerks away from him, head whipping around to look him in the eyes. “What? What makes you say that?”

Virgil’s expression tightens. “I’m worried we might have a lot in common.”

“...Oh,” Patton says at last. “Then, um, yeah. A little bit.”

“You don’t have to elaborate or anything,” Virgil tells him, placing a soothing hand on his arm. “But I’ve got a couple of suggestions. Please remember I’m not a professional quite yet, but I’ve completed just about all of the requirements for my psych degree and I’ve got a f*ckin’ laundry list of sh*t that’s wrong with me, so I like to think I have some experience with this stuff.”

“Okay,” Patton replies nervously.

“First of all, you need to talk to Logan about this.”

“Not while I’m still this upset,” Patton interrupts. “I told you, I’m so angry, and I really don’t want to hurt him.”

“That’s good,” Virgil says encouragingly. “It’s great that you can recognize that and take a step back. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of conflicting feelings about him right now, so it’s okay if you want to wait that out before you bring up a really serious topic. But you should at least tell him that you’ll be MIA for a few days. He does worry sometimes, you know.”

The monster in his chest swells with pride at that, crowing its victory - Logan cares! Logan thinks about him when he’s not around! There must be some way to get him to prove it, and then all of this can go away! - but Patton shoves it back. “I-I’ll try.”

“If you really can’t, then I’ll talk to him,” Virgil offers. “On to my second suggestion, though. Pat, I really think you should look into borderline personality disorder.”

That makes Patton pause. A personality disorder? Him? That…can’t make any sense. “Why?”

“Because I’ve got the diagnosis, and you’re basically describing my episodes.”

“Oh.”

Some part of him tries to fight the idea, tries to say that his reactions are normal, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? They’re not normal. He’s always been the sensitive one, the one who cries too easily or gets too angry or feels joy too loudly. Logan is so far on the other end of the spectrum - calm, composed, quiet - that they almost balance each other out, but that doesn’t change the fact that Patton has always felt, on some level, that there’s something deeply, unchangeably wrong with him. And…maybe Virgil’s right. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe there’s a name for it and there’s a reason why he’s like this and there are other people who might understand.

“O-okay, kiddo. I’ll look into it.”

Virgil squeezes Patton’s arm lightly. “Good. Thank you. Trust me when I say that none of us are leaving you, alright? We’re friends with you because we genuinely like you, not out of pity or guilt or whatever else your brain tries to tell you it’s about. The way you’re feeling is totally real, but the things you’re thinking aren’t necessarily accurate. If you need somebody to tell you what’s really going on, somebody who won’t bullsh*t you no matter what, I’m your guy. Day or night.”

This time, Patton can’t stop the tears from falling, pulling Virgil into a hug. “Thank you, Virge. That’s so…thank you.”

“Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s late when Patton finally replies to Logan’s message.

Hey Lo, I’ve had a really strange day and I’m trying not to lash out at anyone. I still want to talk to you and all, but if I have to step away from a conversation, could you give me some space? I promise I’ll explain things when I’m feeling better but right now, I think a serious conversation would just make things worse. Love you always <3

Logan’s response comes barely two minutes later.

Of course. I’m here for you whenever you want to talk. I love you, dearest.

It doesn’t fix things, but the monster is no longer clawing at his ribs to get out and wreak havoc, and that’s good enough for now. Patton will make sure that it’s good enough.